Dicicco’s Conditioner Dodges

By: Kai Vendetti

              If you’re anything like Mr. DiCicco, you know that more often than not, using any type of hair conditioner is completely pointless. I mean, REALLY; who has time to buy their conditioner separately, if you’re going to buy it at all? 27-In-One usually does the job, doesn’t it? Take it from Mr DiCicco,

 “If it can’t wash your hair AND your car, is it really worth buying?” Besides, wasting a few valuable seconds is something we’ve CLEARLY grown past, considering the fact that due to Covid-19, people have started walking faster in the hallways and stopped blocking walkways, except for a few people that stand in the middle of the hallway outside of the blackbox theatre before Period 4 who will remain nameless. (Seriously, you can stand to the side. It isn’t hard.)

So, people with time to spare, you may be wondering; “What has Mr. DiCicco been doing all this time in favor of using hair conditioner?” Well, dear audience, there’s a multitude of answers to that! Here’s just a few of them.

• Spend most of your day in your attic, hunched over a prehistoric typewriter trying to create another book, and just let things happen.

• Stand outside and let nature add some Disney Princess-Like texture to your hair.

• Make a sacrifice to Anubis and just see what happens.

• Get into a fight with a bear, win, and have HIM do your hair.

• Start stealing fake plastic flamingos from people’s yards, and when the cops inevitably start chasing you, because they have nothing better to do, leave the country, get a fake ID, and flee the country to teach creative writing in London.

…Okay, maybe investing in conditioner is the way to go.

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Neshaminy Gets a Pool!

By: Cullen McCormick

Neshaminy High School has made the decision to finally add in what students and teachers alike have been joking about for decades; a swimming pool. As most of  the student body is aware of, there has been a running gag amongst the students and faculty that a pool exists. Usually this would be passed down to incoming freshmen who either don’t know where their next classes are, or in general want to know if they’ll have to continue the dreaded swimming class. However, this gag has now fully been realized, and the joke is no longer funny.

During the weekend, superintendent Dr. McGee and a group of construction workers worked diligently to replace Gym 1 with an entirely new, modernized swimming pool. They worked under the cloak of night to avoid any attention from loitering staff/students; it was to be a surprise unlike any other. However, it is possible that one student passed by the premises at night, potentially spoiling the surprise. An eyewitness report from a worker with a keen eye says,

“We were working on putting the lining in, and we heard a loud noise coming from the doors, and we poked our heads out to see this kid taking a picture with his phone. Luckily, Dr. McGee was there to stop him. He didn’t take his phone, but he actually pulled out the thingy Will Smith used in Men In Black to make the people forget everything  and flashed it in his face. The kid was dazed, and he (Dr. McGee) shoved him out, quick reflexes I’d say.” 

We don’t know if the worker was on any mind altering substances when we gave the interview, but it was quite the story.

Men In Black gadgets aside, Neshaminy now offers its students the opportunity to swim like the fishies, dart like the sharks, and fully enjoy aquatic submersion with the newly installed swimming pool.

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Introducing B Hall!

By: Kai Vendetti and Emme Oliver

Move aside hallways, you’re getting a new addition! Introducing B Hall to the Neshaminy family! B hall will offer amazing new classes that will be available next year so keep your eyes out for course selection! 

How to Commit Arson 101 

This fiery course will get your gears turning and burning! From learning about what makes good kindling, (For example, homework from 2 years ago, or your ex boyfriends hoodies) to figuring out where and how to scatter ashes. The first lesson to get everyone fired up involves finding out what’s flammable, along with what isn’t. (Febreez is not flammable.) For this class, you’ll need to bring a pre-approved lighter, which we’ll go over in class, along with a signed paper stating that our lovely teacher, Kai, is not responsible for any property damaged. Our second course will be on how to set up a controlled fire, as to not cause any extensive damage to yourself or other people. Best of luck, and happy torching gamers!

Writing A Check and Other Life Skillz

You know how you complain the school doesn’t teach you anything useful? Well now we do! Enter our super cool skillz class, which involves writing checks, filing taxes and learning how to not suck your parents dry because you can’t afford a pretzel. Don’t wanna work at that gas station when you’re thirty? Then this is the class for you. For this class, you’re going to need to bring in a checkbook, a few pencils, and a LOT of patience, seeing as you’re going to have to live with the fact that this information was easy to learn about, and yet it was never in the curriculum until recently. Thanks, Neshaminy.

American History: Memes Through the Years

What if Reddit became a class? What if you could no longer be that annoying kid who always makes out of date among us jokes? Are you bored of learning about stupid stuff like women’s rights and what your grandpa was doing in the 70s? Take Neshaminy’s modified history class but through the eyes of your generation! From those cringey internet videos from the 90s to asdf movie (remember when Youtube was wholesome and not a cash-grabbing platform) to how people in our generation can actually have an impact despite what literally every single person over the age of thirty thinks. Watch out stock market, the redditors are coming for you again soon. For this class you’ll need an active presence on social media, an anarchist’s sense of humor, and a decent amount of knowledge of internet culture. (If you pronounce memes as meh-MAYS you’re instantly kicked out of the class)

If any of these crazy kool courses sound fun to you come on down to b hall! Right across from gym 2! You know, the one with the pool. We look forward to having you in one of our rambunctious classes that will enrich our curriculum and most definitely “build futures” as our proud slogan says.

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Famous TikTokers Coming to Neshaminy!

This tiktoker is from Toronto, Canada, and this other tiktoker is from Ellicott City, Maryland. They both have millions of fans on instagram, and they both recently visited Levittown, to check out their energy drinks, and to see a lot of their fans, in ShopRite.

Have you guessed by now? It’s Bryce Hall, and Josh Richards! After visiting the ShopRite in Levittown, and seeing there was a whole line of people from the inside of Shoprite to the ending of the sidewalk, the two decided being in a whole new environment with so many amazing fans was essential to help their tik tok community grow!

“We enjoyed meeting our fans, and love seeing you guys” Richard said. Josh was excited to meet all of his fans, so why not come to Neshaminy to meet even more of his fans? 

“It was exciting to see our energy drinks, getting bought, and meeting a lot of the fans, and seeing so many people. I will definitely be coming back again” Hall said. They are coming back soon, and will be coming to our school very soon!

Now everyone knows that they are both coming to Neshaminy, who is excited? Who wants to meet them? Lines will be set up outside the school on April 1st to give fans a chance to see their favorite online stars! Being some of the most famous influencers online, everyone is going to be losing their minds so make sure you get to school early so that you can snap a pic with Bryce and Josh! Sources say that they can’t wait to meet you!