A Hallmark Holiday Original: The Benchmark for Accepted Mediocrity

Hallmark Logo//Wikipedia Commons

Hallmark Logo//Wikipedia Commons

Kyle Miles, Staff Writer

Hallmark, a company first in greeting cards, second in crayons, and about fifth in movies- right below festive mugs. Now, by no means has Hallmark ever been known for their cinematic prowess.They’re throwing two-million dollars at each movie that has the same story and no diversity in the entirety of the production. It’s like watching two pieces of dry toast fall in love at a Christian youth group breakfast. The only time you’ll see a character that isn’t white and boring is if you see the single black character in the film, and they’re either the comic relief or a postal worker. 

My point is, there’s a lot more that Hallmark could do. They’re a well-off company. They own CRAYOLA and are nationally known for their greeting cards. You’d wonder why these people even bother entering the world of entertainment, but I can’t wrap my head around how they manage to waste so much money on bad TV movies and fake snow. It’s their money, and they’re successful in other aspects, but it’s clear they could be doing ANYTHING else with the funds. Instead of making a movie with a character named Brielle that is known for being the sexiest philanthropist every Christmas, why don’t you just donate the enormous sum of money to a few charities? And I’m not judging a production company for doing what they do, I’m not that stupid. But this isn’t 21st Century Fox, or Universal Studios, or Warner Brothers. This is the equivalent of Sharpie suddenly deciding they need to develop a channel explicitly for moody dramas. 

Aside from the absurdity of the movies existence, addressing the films themselves is a very, very different point. They’re on that level of so bad, they’re bad. Every movie has a title character that is white, pretty, young, and overly intelligent to prove that women that are white, pretty, and young can be smart too. Then they have to fall in love with a man. I’m not saying that there needs to be an LGBTQ+ character in every movie ever made, but when you’ve made over 136 movies (google it, I’m not kidding) with the exact same premise, there are options you can explore. As for the guys in the lead, they’re even worse than the female love interest. Hallmark manages to hire the most average-looking, unfunny, mayonnaise-and-wonder bread sandwich type dudes to play someone that’s meant to be irresistible to the main character, and we’re supposed to believe that? It’s the type of person who gets scared to flavor their food with salt. And once again the majority of these couples are predominantly white. I bet the most diverse person in the friend group is a biracial attorney that grew up in New Haven. 

As for the people that aren’t the main characters, all that’s left is a mixed bag of bad acting and antagonists that hate christmas trees. I feel like the casting director scouted out the most attractive people in a Target and didn’t bother asking if they can act. All they have to do is pretend to pan the main character for enjoying romance, or be the love interest who also happens to be a massive snot rag. The comic relief comes next, and whoever thought they would be funny enough to distract from the main story was clearly postpartum. It’s all pratfalls and black women saying “ooooooooh child” to the lead actress. The only thing to make me genuinely collapse on the floor with laughter is when they walked off screen. The plot, however, is a shining beacon of light. The characters are all the same, and the story runs identically to the other 135, but the plot is just *italian finger kiss*. Imagine the wacky shenanigans that would take place if you and your twin sister swapped lives for Christmas! And the kooky cookie crumble of a mess that would occur when your dad, Santa Claus of course, went missing, and you had to take over for him! Sounds like a fun premise for a kids movie, right? Well just to make sure your children don’t watch it, Hallmark makes sure to throw in some awkward kisses between adults that clearly dislike each other, unclever innuendos, and just enough alcohol to make the explanation of what they’re drinking to your six year-old uncomfortable. 

As if these issues weren’t enough to just skip the movies entirely, a fun incident occurred within the past week involving the family-friendly Hallmark channel and a fat sack of homophobia. With all the seaside salt candle money they’ve accumulated over the years, Hallmark has managed to pay towards removing ads from their station. Not all of them, you’ll definitely see something about peanut butter or anti-diarrheal medication, just the ones that involve lesbian couples kissing. Shocking, I know. Especially considering that the girls in a Kay Jewelers commercial manage to have more chemistry than their entire roster of movies. But I digress. 

Wherever you choose to lay your priorities this holiday season, I’m sure most of us can agree that Hallmark shouldn’t be anywhere near them.