The following article is intended as satire:

A disturbing trend has begun to spread through the nation, weaving its way through Neshaminy’s halls and down its sidewalks like a dizzy gerbil. The dangerous phenomena of texting while walking has spread at an alarming rate, and despite the ever-mounting number of accidents caused by distracted walking, it continues.

In light of this, the administration has decided to implement certain safety measures to prevent future accidents. Main Street will soon have a “Phone Lane,” a designated walkway for texters and tweeters to prevent them from running into anyone else. Bright, flashing lights will be placed near stairwells to catch the attention of those searching the internet for memes, in order to prevent falls.

Elsewhere, Apple has recently announced production of the iEye, a device worn on a headband which connects to mobile phones via Bluetooth, and provides a live-feed of whatever is directly in front of phone users at all times.

Despite this, traditionalists still suggest that the best remedy for this age of cellphone-induced clumsiness is to “look up from those phones once in awhile.” While low-tech, some suggest this may be the best way to counter the problem. Others contend that “they’re going to fix that problem in the new iPhone.”