By Nicholas Hoffman
Archivist and Copy Editor

James Maloney, Neshaminy alumni, birding extraordinaire, and world traveler starts his day as any other AP Environmental Science teacher would, to the soothing ‘tea-kettle tea-kettle tea’ call of the Carolina Wren. Enticing the bird to his finger with a pish, the man releases it once more outside, truly earning the title of Neshaminy’s Snow White.

Entering his washroom, walls adorned by field guide images of the finest avian specimens, Maloney inspects his beard. Surely by spring it will be the size of a proper nest for a painted bunting, the bird connoisseur’s favorite.

The man finishes his morning of things he loves by spraying his own personal cologne, “beak in a bottle,” and eating the daily apple from his special tree – modified to grow all types of apples. Whilst eating he enjoys pictures of himself in Africa, his favorite of recent trips.

Rolling into the birdmobile, Maloney puts on his playlist, starting out with a poultry classic, the chicken dance. Grooving to the beat, he enjoys the scenery outside – tree after tree with no leaves. Although he enjoys identifying trees, he loves the greater challenge during winter, when he can identify them only by their bark. Using leaves is cheating in his opinion.

Maloney reaches school and nurtures his plants lovingly, singing to them as he waters them. His logic follows that talking to plants is good, so singing must be better. He dances around singing “All About That Bass,” his favorite pop song, and tending to the different organisms; first he waters his plants, then feeds the fish, and finally feeds his pet bird he keeps under the sink. After this fun he drones through homeroom and first period before coming to his true favorite class.

Second period APES: an experience unlike any other. Although filled with daunting questions of salmon and space-water, Maloney values this class for its sheer enthusiasm. No other class of his loves both going outside in sub-freezing temperatures and graphing the diversity of trees for hours on end to the extent that second period does. Luckily on this fateful Valentine’s eve, he has a lab period, giving him double the stupid questions, but double the love.

Normally James would have other classes to teach, but this day was an exception. As he has allowed Valentine’s eve to be a day filled with fun, Maloney has challenged Reed Hennessy, his closest friend, to a basketball match. Period by period went by filled with street-rule basketball, all in good fun. Maloney, however, takes this game more seriously than others, knowing Reed to be a notorious poacher of eggs. After the marathon of play, Maloney emerged the victor, at a colossal score of eight to six.
Returning home, the lovable Maloney enjoys the company of a great horned owl, dining on zebra steak while his avian friend enjoys a rabbit that James himself caught. Enjoying the company of the owl, Maloney watches a national geographic program, causing the owl to fly away when big cats came on.
Crawling into his den, James Maloney hibernates for another night only to restart it all in the morning.